Zen of Being
Single--by Dr. Joel Rachelson
Q: What is the most common difficulty singles face in their
search to find significant relationships?
A: Unfortunately, there are many difficulties. It seems a waste
that it is so difficult on the one hand and perfectly sensible on the
other. (Another question to answer later.) As I mentioned in the
Single and Conscious articles, there are external difficulties and
internal difficulties.
One of the biggest internal difficulties has to do with the Zen of
being single, or the proper stance. By proper stance, I mean how
attached we are to the goal of meeting somebody. It is very important
to find the right balance between being too attached and too detached
to finding someone out there.
If someone is too needy for a relationship in order for them to feel
Ok about themselves or to get their basic needs met then they can
subtlety and not so subtlety push or scare people away. This neediness
issue is one of the reasons why people do the "urge to merge need to
flee" dance. So it is important to learn how to get to an Ok place
(esteem wise) about being single. (Not an easy thing given all the
cultural pressures and stigmas.) It is also important to learn how to
meet most of your own basic needs so that relationships are the icing
not the cake.
It is also important to not become too detached either as a defense
against being hurt and disappointed or a hopeless/cynical resignation.
Finding someone is not easy. In some ways it needs to be approached as
the attempt to reach a very important goal. Perhaps the most important
goal in your life's enrichment. So approach it as a project, possibly
a long-term project. Patience and persistence pays.
Projects require clarity of purpose and proactivity. So one of the
first steps is to be clear about what you want and to begin to take
action. Two early suggestions about clarity are to make a list (if you
haven't already) of what your looking for. There is something about
having a clear vision that seems to help. The second quick suggestion
is to aim for several playfriends. Having playfriends that may or may
not become more is an important way to keep the Zen in this search.
There are many other aspects to this question which can and will be
addressed on these pages. Please consider writing in to Ask Dr. Joel
with a question to be answered or a comment to share.. In the
meantime, Just Do It! And Do It Consciously.
Reader Response 1: A question - "Would you please clarify what you
mean by playfriends? It seems I have met two men, neither of which
fulfills my whole wish list in a partner. I am physically attracted to
one and intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually attracted to the
other. If I feel no complete chemistry with either, how can I keep my
intentions genuine without feeling like I am using these kind people.
I have felt uncomfortable because, although, I feel I have been
honest, they are willing to stick around knowing that I am not totally
devoted to them. A simpler way to ask the question. How do you know if
you are using someone verses keeping a lighter relationship for the
sake of a "playfriend"?"
Reader Response 2: "I think honesty and communication are the key
aspects in any relationship, and respecting the other person enough
that they understand and know what is best for them. If the poser of
the question is being honest with herself she will know that it is ok
and can just enjoy the situation, because she may rest assured that it
WILL change some where down the track, according to the needs of those
involved. Also, from my experience, no one other person will ever fit
our "prescription" for a perfect partner, and if we're looking for a
modicum of happiness and satisfaction in life then ENJOY THE MOMENT,
keeping in mind the aforesaid."
Reader Response 3: All my adult life, I have been a "serial
monogamist," going from one long term relationship into another. So
the concept of "dating" is new to me. I imagine that for most adults,
dating involves sex, either sooner or later, right? So how does one
date several people, or have several "playfriends" as you put it,
without becoming promiscuous, i.e. falling into sexually addictive
behavior? I am open to trying new things, but this idea is a bit scary
for me, seems to be walking a fine line. Obviously, you have to be
pretty emotionally healthy for it to work. It is not easy to be able
to put your heart into what you are doing with another person but to
remain detached in some ways at the same time. Ah yes, another
adventure awaits me, I'm sure. What was that bumper sticker I saw, "Oh
no! Not another learning experience!"
Reader Response 4
I've been thinking about something that most of us say doesn't really
matter, but even to those who say that, apparently it does. Two
factors I'm speaking of are age and physical appearance.
I've been single for about 15 years. My marriage was a good one, but
in the end we drifted apart and are still friends. After the divorce,
I used to spend too much time searching for the perfect mate and/or
trying to hold on to one of three which I thought were perhaps 'the
one'.
At the ripe age of 49, I went to a matchmaker company in Honolulu
which advertised good quality service and professional matches with
professional people. It was very expensive and they talked me into
joining by saying - after 49 it would be much more difficult to find a
life partner. I felt panicked! That was it - my one last chance. Well,
needless to say, it didn't work out.
When I saw the ad for this conscious singles group - and a membership
at a reasonable price, I thought it was about time to try again. I'm
not desparate. I can enjoy life alone, I just feel it could be better
with someone to share it with. The focus on soul mates, healthy living
and potential mates who valued deeper connections than just physical
and material ones attracted me to join. But what did I find in the
profiles and in correspondence? Men who want slim and attractive women
- even some of the older guys are asking for women who still want to
have children!
I don't suppose many women over fifty would consider themselves
physical competition for the 30 and 40 year olds. It is a fact of life
that people age physically! I am 54, healthy, physically very active
and attractive for my age. But I'm not trying to convince myself or
anyone else that I am younger than I am. I am young enough acting and
looking that the three main partners I've had over the past 15 years
have been younger than I am. However, I refuse to sell myself to
anyone with this as a focus.
I suppose I am looking for a man approximately my own age so that we
will grow old together and I won't have to worry about him looking for
a younger woman as he sees me get old before he does. On the other
hand, I hope to find someone who won't be kicking the bucket ten years
from now. Really, I want a soul mate - and I don't think you can find
that on the basis of physical appearance. It would be nice if the
right chemistry for a good physical relationship were there,too. But,
that doesn't mean he would have to look like Brad Pitt or Arnold S.
So, to restate the problem: it seems that all the men in the age range
I'm looking for want young, slim attractive women. Is it true then
that men's brains are still in their *****? I don't mean to say that
about all of them. I am writing to a couple of really nice guys.
Thanks for 'reading'.
--Carolyn
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